I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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