I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
