So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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