Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Randomize
