I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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