The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
