Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
