Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
