mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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