He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
This beer is not sobering me up at all
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Enjoy the penises
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
