I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Someone shattered a urinal.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
