Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Randomize
