I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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