My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize