Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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