i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
