I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
