I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
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