theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
