we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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