One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
