Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
