I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
