I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
