I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I still have a little drunk in my system
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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