and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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