How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
if only i could text you this smell
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
