I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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