And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
