I just cut my nipple shaving
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
