How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
