He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
