i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
