Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
