Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize