sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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