Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
There was a lot of him and a little penis
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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