i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
i drank out of a bidet.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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