So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
