if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
why didn't you poke me back
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
