The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
