They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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