My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
