I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize