he shaved USA in his pubs
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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