final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
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