And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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