today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
