he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
