Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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