I wish life had little blips of pornography
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
