so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
