I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
