i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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