i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
