The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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