facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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