Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
