i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize