I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
