hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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