So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
