Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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